Doug Patton Column of June 6, 2005

First, Newsweek pulled a Dan Rather on us, running a fabricated story just because they wanted it to be true. They told the world that an American guard at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, detention center had ripped pages from a prisonerís Koran and flushed it down a toilet. As a result, innocent people died when practitioners of Islam rioted in protest in Afghanistan .

  Oops, said Newsweek, it seems we canít back up our story. Oh well, itís probably true; we just canít prove it.

  The lie heard round the world about the flushed Koran has caused convulsions in the Bush Administration and forced the Pentagon to launch an investigation of unfounded allegations contained in an unsubstantiated story. The results of said investigation are now in, and it seems there are at least five incidents of ďmishandlingĒ of the Koran at Gitmo.

  Well, guess what? I DONíT CARE!

  Are we fighting a war on terror or arenít we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nationís capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning death that day, or didnít they?

  And Iím supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was ďdesecratedĒ when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I donít. I donít care at all.

  Iíll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

  Iíll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia .

  Iíll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Bergís head while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed throat.

  Iíll care when the cowardly so-called ďinsurgentsĒ in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.

  Iíll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

  Iíll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitutionís Bill of Rights.

  Iíll care when Clinton-appointed judges stop ordering my government to release photos of the abuses at Abu Ghraib, which are sure to set off the Islamic extremists just as Newsweekís lies did a few weeks ago.

  In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I donít care.

  When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I donít care.

  When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I donít care.

  When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being ďmishandled,Ē you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I donít care.

  And oh, by the way, Iíve noticed that sometimes itís spelled ďKoranĒ and other times ďQuran.Ē Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and ó you guessed it ó I donít care!